45 - Am I ready for a relationship as an addict?

To get the right answers, you have to ask the right questions. Today's episode is a recording of a group session led by Tom and Ben. Eric and Casey are their guests. Tom asked these gentlemen to answer the following questions. What is your name? Who are you? What are you interested in? Where are you from?

He also asked about what their lifestyles consisted of, what are their backgrounds, values, how people describe them, what people notice about them, future goals, what makes them smile, perfect date, qualities of a life partner, and what do they believe is the key to a successful relationship? As we work through their answers, it’ll become clear why Tom asked these questions as he puts a bow on things and ties up the end of the show.

Show Notes

• [03:26] Eric is a person with a strong sense of morals finding his way to a better life on the path of recovery.
• [03:48] Casey is a brother, son, and uncle who loves music and Pokemon.
• [04:13] Eric and Casey are both from Georgia. Ben is from South Florida, and Tom is from Pittsburgh, PA.
• [04:35] Eric is interested in having a good time and being intellectually stimulated.
• [04:55] Casey likes music, art, Pokemon, social science and self-care.
• [05:25] Eric works at two stores and is going to five AA meetings and two group sessions.
• [05:51] Casey is looking for a job.
• [06:48] Eric has a retail background and is a communications major. He comes from a broken family and was orphaned and moved around.
• [07:26] His background and fear of abandonment and uncertainty tied into his addiction.
• [07:41] Casey is one of 10 kids. He has one semester left to graduate.
• [08:06] Both guys are 24 years old.
• [08:29] Eric's values include honesty, respect, and doing the right thing no matter how difficult it may be.
• [08:45] Casey's values include Independence, work ethic, honesty, and creativity.
• [10:00] Casey has been clean 62 days and Eric 65 days.
• [10:32] Eric is described as loving and caring yet sometimes irresponsible or incompetent.
• [11:29] Casey is a good person who makes terrible. His decision-making is getting better.
• [12:51] Eric is open and easy to talk to.
• [13:09] Casey comes off as shy but opens up once you start talking to people.
• [13:32] Ben has been told that he is intimidating.
• [15:36] Eric's future goals are establishing a career.
• [17:00] Casey wants to get a job. He wants to get six months sober. He also wants to go back to school and graduate with a degree in anthropology.
• [17:54] Humor makes Eric smile and random acts of kindness.
• [18:46] Casey likes seeing himself grow and when his higher power works things out for him. He also loves his nieces.
• [19:51] One of the first signs of relapse is losing the attitude of gratitude.
• [21:50] A perfect date for Eric would be dinner, shopping, a movie, and then back to his place.
• [22:48] A perfect date for Casey would be to go to a mom-and-pop restaurant and then chill outside. There would be lights, a fire, and they would even hang out and drink hot chocolate.
• [23:46] Eric would want his mate to be honest, caring, resourceful, intelligent, physically attractive, and to love his family.
• [23:59] Casey would want his mate to be independent, confident, kind, giving, honest, possess a good work ethic, patient, and they would have respect for themselves.
• [24:14] Compassion, understanding, trust, dependability, and honesty are the keys to a great relationship for Eric.
• [24:30] Honesty, not relying on each other too much, self-awareness, effective communication, and being able to spend time apart are keys to a great relationship for Casey.
• [25:16] These questions all came off of match.com.
• [25:41] The point of all this is a question that Tom noticed from Andy Stanley. The question is are you what you are asking for?
• [26:18] This is an opportunity to look at your answers to these questions and ask if you are in a position to get in a relationship right now.
• [26:52] New relationships often cause relapse, because they are an excuse not to focus on yourself.
• [31:27] Are you exuding the values that you say that you have?
• [32:19] The recovery process takes an emotional toll and it takes time to heal. It wouldn't be good to jump into a relationship before you are ready.
• [34:54] Nick shares tips for working on your weaker qualities one by one until they are mastered.
• [39:30] Even casual dating is opening yourself up emotionally.
• [41:51] The important thing to understand is relationships right now shouldn't be part of the equation.
• [42:57] The person you want to date will not be the same person after your 12 steps are completed.
• [45:24] Anything you put before your recovery and your sobriety, you will lose.

Links and Resources:

Andy Stanley